Results Anticipation

In 49 minutes my life will change, or it will stay completely the same. A life changing moment that doesn’t happen too often in a lifetime, this is a big one. Two years of hard work, of tears and inked hands, to get to this moment. At 8am I will receive an email either informing me of my success of being accepted into university, allowing me the fresh start I have only dreamed about, provided by moving 122 miles away.

I sit here in anticipation, tapping quietly at the letters on this keyboard, trying not to wake Tamara because I don’t want her to be overcome with nervous jitters like I am, not yet anyway. For some people this day will be proof of all the hard work they have dedicated themselves to over the past two years, eighteen years – a whole lifetime of learning and developing all comes down to this moment. Others will walk away empty handed, wondering why they didn’t try just that bit harder, then it might be a different story for them. I hope that I am not one of those people, I need this, I have all year.

Although when I receive the email, I will be relieved to know whether I have achieved my place at The University of Southampton, and if I am certain of my future, walking to my school at 9am to discover my grades will be easier. However, there is still that pressure, people have whispered about what grades they think you’ll get, family laugh when you say you might have not done as well as you had hoped, in this moment you might do everyone proud, including yourself, or you might as well have stayed in bed for the last 730 days.

This is a game changer, I just hope I played right.

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You Never Know What You’re Gonna Get

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I wanted to try and put a positive spin on my low mood, so I came here. A place where I can feel like me 100%, no worries about putting on a hard exterior – trying not to get upset about what some people see are silly, irrational things to be upset about.

Lately, it feels as if my life has turned into some kind of monster rollarcoaster, the kind that creaks too much and you’re expecting is going to give way at any second. Yet the ride stays strong and you actually get off at the end, despite your surprise.

Metaphorically, that is how I see my life lately. One minute I can be on a complete high and the next, I’m as low as you can go. If I had to pinpoint what was making me feel like this, I probably couldn’t, that’s the hardest part – not knowing why I’m feeling like this.

I guess I’m okay, especially when I think of things on a scale – I have felt much worse in the past, so I’m trying to appreciate these moments of neither happy nor sad, because they’re better than the latter.

These past couple of months, my friendship circle has shrunk to a bare minimum and I don’t know what I’ve done – I try to be nice, to go out of my way for people but it just doesn’t seem to do me any favors. Today was the first day back after the Easter break, I felt like I was in a totally different universe to everyone around me. Maybe I’ve been wrapping myself up in a safety blanket lately or something – a shell, a bubble. Normally, I’m an outgoing person, to the point sometimes where I probably become slightly obnoxious. I don’t like that side of myself, I prefer to be quieter, to think more, to be cerebral as my English teacher says.

I know I should appreciate the support I’ve been given with my transition, I do, I’ve been feeling this isolation, over Easter break it went away because it wasn’t in my face like it is when I’m in school.

On the most part, I think I do it to myself – corner myself off from people maybe. It helps me concentrate better, I think more, I feel more like me than when I’m loud and talking to everyone and anyone.

4 more months and I’ll be in a new place where people only know Nathan, I have a feeling it’s going to be really good for me there. For me and Tamara, right now it’s just me and her in this bubble and as much as it’s comfortable, I don’t want that for her. I want her to have this group of girl friends like you see in the films, someone that she can complain to about me, I know she probably needs to.  I want to open up too, to more people, I know University is going to give me that, I guess that’s why school seems so dull lately, because I know what’s waiting for me out there.

There’s so much more than here, I just want to get there.

What’s School Anyways?

I decided today that the warm embrace of a duvet was much more welcoming that the idea of school. I just wasn’t in the mood for facing that numbing feeling, forgetting who you really are, as soon as you pass through the towering green gates.

I’ve practiced hanging my head in school, not for lack of confident, more of an obsession with discovering who’s feet are bigger than my own. The answer – everyone has bigger feet that me, I can think of one boy who shares a size 6, just like me. However, he’s probably 5 foot tall, not that I’m discriminating.

Maybe you’re thinking, why does shoe size matter? I ask myself the same, it doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s probably the most unimportant topic of the blog I will ever write about. I guess having a smaller shoe makes me less of a man, what even is a man? I don’t know how to define it. Is it someone who is tall and broad? Maybe someone who earns more money than the average person? I’d like to think it’s a brave person, a strong person. I don’t know if I am that, although I try to be.

In school, the majority don’t know me. Not the real me. Strangers probably know me better than some of my closest friends; strangers address me with the correct pronouns. I can’t blame those I’m close to, I haven’t told them anything really, I was hoping it would be obvious. Maybe I’m a coward for not telling them, but the truth is, I don’t understand why I owe it to them.

My friendship group isn’t exactly close knit, even though on the outside we appear to be. More bitching goes on inside our group, than I imagine anywhere else in my year group. That breaks my faith a little, because I would like to think that once upon a time, I would have done anything for the people I’m surrounded by. Now, I can’t even tell them my name.

What hurts the most, is that I used to love this school. I would go as far as to say that I was in love with it, and the potential. However, I never said that out loud, wanting to blend in with the crowd. Now, I can’t wait to see the place behind me, in the rear-view mirror, as most people write. Even though I don’t own a car, and won’t actually be driving away from it.

School was once a place that I felt safest, I would use it to ignore all my problems. It’s transformed to emphasise my problems, and make me feel like there is no overcoming, and I think of it as… one more day in the place, is one less day I have to go back.