Talk About An Anticlimax

Today was supposed to be one of the greatest days of my life. I mean, the greatest days are things like; moving out, getting married and having a baby. Of course those life pillar stones are important to me too, I am just a regular guy. However for transgender folk like myself, there are addition to these greatest days. Such as being diagnosed with gender dyphoria, coming out to the people you care about, starting hormones, surgery or a legal name change. Today was the latter but I don’t really know how to feel about it.

I mean being able to change my name legally is a pretty massive step and I’m ecstatic that I have sorted it all out now. From now on I will be Nathan and not just with what people say, but what is recorded. My bank card, my provisional driving license, all my university applications will be under Nathan Jones and that is a pretty incredible feeling.

I guess I’ve just had a bad day, generally. Things with my mum have been kind of rocky lately and things are piling up. Sometimes I imagine a life where all I had to worry about is passing my A Levels and learning to drive, just like every other 18 year old boy. Unfortunately for people like me, that just isn’t an option. I’ve had to rewrite numerous sheets of school information because of my name change, creating even more work for myself on top of pressure to get top grades. I’m not one to complain, life has just been getting tougher recently.

But I’m an optimist nowadays, I won’t let this get me – only more reason to push harder. In times like these it isn’t going to do me any good to cry, instead I will pull myself together and try even harder than before. Because if I’m not trying my best then what is the point in anything.

Play hard or leave the pitch.

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Tomorrow’s News

Tomorrow is a big day but right now it doesn’t feel like it, I’m just trying not to make a big deal about it. I mean, really all I’m doing is uncovering who I already am, after years of hiding it.

I don’t actually know how I feel – Nervous? Exited? Probably a mix of the two. Going to the solicitors for anything is nerve racking for me, the stuffy offices and over charging professionals make me uneasy. Going there to change my name, to finally be able to live by Nathan will make a big difference to my entire life. Every step I’ve been taking these last few weeks have felt like the beginning of my new life – I should say, the beginning of my actual life.

So maybe I shouldn’t be nervous, I should immerse myself in this step entirely. When I was in the waiting room for my hospital appointment so I could be diagnosed with gender dysphoria I didn’t feel like myself at all, I knew that I had to sort myself out before I went in, because otherwise I may have not gotten what I needed. I have to do the same thing tomorrow.

I will probably write a post about this after my appointment, but I felt like I needed to write something down, even if it is just a few words.

How do I feel? I feel ready.

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