I don’t know what happened to you, it was as if you disappeared more and more every day and then you were suddenly gone. I still have your body but it’s an empty shell, one I had to temporarily fill.

Letting go of you was the hardest thing that I have ever done, like losing a close friend, a piece of myself. To be honest, I didn’t like you much, you were not what I ever wanted to be, I always wanted to be something or someone else.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to you, sometimes you creep up on me, in the dark or when I sleep. I remember the things you did, the rites of passage, how you always tucked your hair behind your ear, sometimes I find myself doing it and then I have to wake myself up.

You treated people badly, selfish is the most common word when I think of you. I think of all the crying you caused, the people you frowned on. I make myself sick remembering what I’ve seen through your eyes.

When I see your name my heart freezes, when I hear it I feel as if a ghost has walked right through me. I never would admit it, but you are dead, and the truth is, I’m the one who killed you.

But I can’t be sorry for that.

Nathan

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