Being on a waiting list for testosterone has made me think even more about the future, about what I want, surgery wise.
I had a dream last night, the doctors put me to sleep and when I woke up it was as if I had been born a cisgender male. I realise that my dream is impossible.
I wish there was an easy fix, a pill to take, a doctor to see. But there isn’t. There is just me and a mirror, that on some days, tells me that I’m not there yet, I have so far left to go. Being on this waiting list, not knowing when my appointment will be, or when I will finally have testosterone, has placed me in a kind of limbo, an inbetween where I don’t really know where I am, I’m just floating.
This part of my life, becoming who I really am, who I’ve always been, has it’s low days. These last few weeks it felt like all there was were low days, despite the fact that categorically I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I guess that’s when it hits you. When you have everything you want… except what you cannot have.
As much as I could sit here and mull things over, overthink about how I’m feeling right now – that won’t help me. I need to get up and make sure that next week has fewer low days, that I keep hitting back harder than before.