Can’t Shake This

No matter what I do I can’t seem to shake this, this feeling of nothingness. I feel like nothing, like I’m just existing. I sit in work imagining what it would be like to be born male, I sit in lectures wondering why I couldn’t have been born a different way. I’ve tried the usual tricks but they aren’t seeming to work.

Eating healthy, making a meal plan, walking everywhere instead of taking the bus. Trying to appreciate what I have, I know that I have things a lot easier than others. I just feel sad, sad is the easiest way to put it.

Sometimes I dream of being born Nathan, how it would have felt. How tall I would have been, the sports I would have been able to play at school, what using a urinal feels like. But then I wake up, and for a second I think it’s real but then I realise that it’s not, and I trudge through the rest of the day wondering why can we not just be born the way we want to be.

I try hard, but lately it just hasn’t been good enough. I need to try harder, but I have no idea where to pull that strength from.

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One thought on “Can’t Shake This

  1. Don’t try harder, try less. Surf the wave, don’t try and swim against it. Be who/what you are today, who you are now. Understand that this road is rocky and cold and lonely, and that you knew there would be days like this. You haven’t been cut free, or scored a goal, or been given all your Christmas’ in one go. You’re rebuilding yourself – finding what to keep and what to chuck. Just no more poetry please.
    Always here….

    Liked by 1 person

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