This is the moment I have been waiting for the last 18 months – the go ahead for my hormone treatment. For 7 months I waited for my appointment with Dr Jamil to be arranged, what I thought would be an extensive, personal talk, turned out to be a 5 minute chat. The only questions that she asked me was why I was there, what I wanted e.g. hormones/surgery and what I was doing with my life, to which I explained my university plans.
To be relief, I don’t have to be referred to the GIC in London, which has waiting times 6 months and over. A local hospital, the Gwent, located in Newport, has a hormone service that will be provided to me. I have the okay for hormones! It feels weird to even say that, because I thought it would have been at least another year waiting. By Christmas time, hopefully I would have had some bloods done, and given the okay to begin testosterone, finally matching the outside to the inside.
When she indicated for me to leave, I kind of stared at her shocked, wondering why it was that simple. “That’s it?” I remember saying in disbelief, she told me that I passed well, that she didn’t see a problem, which surged my confidence because I had begun to doubt whether or not I was passing in public. After working on Kiosk at ASDA (the cigarette and lottery counter) and also in the warehouse, I found that no one was confusing my gender, I was identified as mate, buddy, fella, and it suddenly hit me. Stereotypically women work at the checkout, I think I’m the only guy on there most of the time, customers generally don’t even look at me when they come through, so I guess they just assume. To help me pass better, I stood more, addressed the customer, naturally tried to deepen my voice, eliminating my nerves I found I began acting more like myself and had very little problem with the incorrect pronouns.
Being ‘outed’ at ASDA wasn’t exactly my plan, but I’ve adapted to it, it was my goal to remain private due to my belief that being transgender is a personal part of myself that I was comfortable sharing with those closest to me. I’ll be proud at work, because that’s the way forward. I’m not denying that I am counting down the days to my transfer to Southampton for my fresh start, only 18 left to go.
Even though I’m not on testosterone yet, the relief that I have been given the all clear for them has already cleared a lot of self doubt that was affecting me more and more, the longer my appointment was taking. When I would try to work out, I would be negative, thinking that I would never be on hormones, so what was the point? Now I have the confidence to better myself physically, so I can rid myself of some dysphoria that I found was sneaking up on me a lot more. I can go to university being the man I was supposed to be, without my past haunting me, and with my future being more certain than ever.