…Old Pictures

Since my transition I have avoided looking at pictures that are old, as in a few years prior, my teenage years. Looking at them is hard because it feels like I was a completely different person then and I guess I feel as if I have lost someone. I had never really considered that before, I knew my family and close friends were in a sense mourning the loss of their daughter, sister, best friend; I know that my dad still is and he will for a while. But I never thought that I myself, would have to mourn the loss of the person I used to be, who wasn’t really me.

It’s weird how this occured to me. I was watching the Vampire Diaries with my girlfriend, the characters had gone through experiences that had changed them as a person and so they held funerals for their oldselves.ย  I’m not planning on having a memorial or anything, but there have been times where transitioning has been really difficult because I was attached to the old me, obviously that person isn’t gone, that person is me, but I am significantly different, in fact, the more am finally becoming myself, the less similarities I find.

I am Nathan, but I feel a guilt for taking the old me away from people, my dad asked me at least five times within the space of ten minutes if I sure I wasn’t just a butch lesbian, because he could deal with that, that way he would still have his little girl. And I want to shout at him, shout that she’s gone, dead, not coming back. Beg him to take old pictures of me down, because she isn’t here anymore, and I can’t explain that to him because I can barely explain it to myself.

Looking at old pictures today made me realise that Nathan has always existed, I was just waiting for the right moment to become myself. Not all of us are born lucky. We have to fight to become who we are; against labels, prejudice, people… ourselves.

It is worth the fight.

Tra

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2 thoughts on “…Old Pictures

  1. This is probably the toughest part of transitioning, but to help with your guilt, try to remember that you’ve always been Nathan and your family never really had a little girl or little sister. You were always a boy even though they and you didn’t know it yet. Your dad will come around, just give him time to adjust and be patient with everyone including yourself. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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