This week has been one of the most crammed of my life, in fact today is the only day this week in which I can relax and place my mind at ease for a second, although I have to spend today preparing for the days to come.
I thought that once school was out for the summer (excuse my Alice Cooper pun), that I would be so relaxed and not busy that I would become bored. That did happen, after a day or two off school, the truth is, I like to be busy, otherwise I will become docile and accept things that I should be pushing forward instead of letting happen. Such as my transition, if I wasn’t busy in general I would be wallowing in my long process of obtaining testosterone instead of finding ways to accelerate receiving the hormones I need to feel comfortable in my own body. I did find a way to be placed on testosterone fairly quickly, but I will feature that in a separate post due to it being important to my transition which this blog is primarily recording.
Back to my busy week, yesterday I had my first job interview as Nathan, and I’ve only had one interview before, so I think underneath my confidence I was pretty nervous. In situations like these I don’t allow myself to contemplate being nervous or scared because I know that won’t help me get anywhere, so I always ignore the frustrating little voice in the back of my head telling me everything is going to go wrong.
I loved it because for the first time (outside of my school uniform), I got to wear a shirt and tie and feel like a normal guy. I blended in with the other young men in the room, they didn’t question me, I was just one of the guys. That’s one of the best feelings I’ve experienced throughout my transition, some kind of recognition that all this hard work to become myself is being appreciated, even if the people around me don’t even know they’re making life a lot easier for me.
However, I did become semi-embarrassed when the induction leader asked for everyone’s passports and I had to try and find a way to tell him I was transgender privately, which is why my birth certificate doesn’t match my ID… I began to feel my cheeks flush red and my voice quake, which is even more frustrating because I know my voice hasn’t got the deepness it needs and I think it often gives me away. I swallowed the lump in my throat and told the man that I needed a word in private because there was a problem with my identification.
I wasn’t scared, I thought I would be, this guy Corey was nice, he was quite camp (I hate using labels but this is the best way to describe him with words), cheery and quite hilarious. When I found myself uttering this word transgender, the label I had refused for so long, I thought it would feel like lead on my tongue. To my surprise, it rolled off like water on a ducks back, as if it was part of my accent or genetics, like I had been saying it all my life. That makes sense really, I was more comfortable saying that I was transgender than I had ever been before my transition, I used to be a bag of nerves. I was proud of myself, and I don’t say that too often.
He understood right away, making me feel comfortable, he complimented me which put my accelerated heart beat at ease. It couldn’t have gone better, I had been honest and confident and it had really paid off. He also ensured me that it would be kept strictly confidential, which was very important to be due to my belief this label should be kept for close friends and family only, and all those I told when I came out as Nathan in school.
Now that I have a job to distract me from boredom and also to make me feel productive, I am quite happy with how my induction/interview turned out. Now I have to present my doctor with an NHS document stating she can prescribe me testosterone without referral from the GIC if she is confident with the treatment she can provide. I will include all of this in a separate post with a follow up after my appointment for those who are interested. I will also be featuring a blog post about my sixth form ball on Thursday, my first time wearing a suit which I am ecstatic for. Like I said, it’s a busy week!