If I had to choose just one word to describe how I feel right now that would be it.

Worthless.

Having no real value or use – at least that’s what Google says, to me it means so much more.

It reminds me that I will never be enough, for anyone, for myself.

Everyday is a challenge but tonight takes the cake – there is a pitfall in my chest that is about to explode.

I nearly posted this two nights ago – it is probably the lowest I have ever felt. Probably because lately I am actually becoming quite confident and comfortable with who I am, with what I see in the mirror.

What I wrote automatically saved as a draft and reading back on it I realise that I still have a lot of work to do; on myself and with the people I care about.

It’s almost as if I lose myself completely, maybe that is common for people transitioning – trying to discover yourself is hard, it’s probably one of the hardest things that I have ever experienced and I wouldn’t call my life easy. 

Despite knowing that I will never be 100% what I want to be, I always wish for it. When I fall asleep, when I dream, I am Nathan physically from the very beginning and then I wake up and realise that it was imaginary. I know I have to accept me, I can’t expect everyone else to and not do it myself.

So I need some more steps; guidelines to try and help me become at least 99% of the person that I want to be.

  1. Run 4km 3/4 times a week & Box 3 times a week.
  2. Balance my diet.
  3. Pay for a new driving license with my new name.
  4. Study my ass off to get required grades for University.
  5. Get into University.
  6. Ask my girlfriend if she’ll marry my sorry ass. (Few more years for that one)

These are my near future goals, it can’t be that hard right?


 

A few lyrics that keep me going…

There’s a place I go to,

Where no one knows me,

It’s not lonely,

It’s a necessary thing.

It’s a place I made up,

Find out what I’m made of,

The nights I’ve stayed up,

Counting stars and fighting sleep.

Matt Simons – Catch & Release

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