The last 2 days has been quite a rollarcoaster, I’ve spent the last few months of my life continuing my journey forward but these last few days have felt like steps backward. I guess it’s because people here aren’t use to me yet, the real me, used to Nathan. I don’t visit my dad that often due to school, work and other issues. We’re close though, not as in we’ve spent loads of time together, we’re just similar. That’s why he was the hardest to tell, why he was the last on my list.
He found out when the majority of people did, when I became me on Facebook. It was hard because when I was younger, when my parents were still together, they always used to tell me how much my dad had wanted a girl. They had 2 boys already, I guess he wanted the apple of his eye. He got that, for 17 years at least. He got to see his daughter grow up, go to prom, wear the dress (the one that I hated). When it comes down to it, I guess I did all those things because society said that I had to. I was never comfortable in my own skin, let alone my own clothes, which is why my dad accepting me is so important to me. I have the unwavering feeling that I’m letting him down in some way.
It means so much to me because when I was younger I would spend hours playing rugby in the cold and mud with him, working on the car with him or watching Top Gear with him. My brothers didn’t do that, one left when he was in his teens and the other was academic. I loved playing sports with him, or learning how to change a tyre, I loved it all. I want that now more than ever.
That’s why this weekend was hard, because even though he knows about Nathan he was still using Tasha in every sentence, and she and her. I know it’s habit, but I just sat there and stared at the floor every time he talked to me, and I don’t want that. I don’t want that because I don’t get to see him very often and I want to make the most of it.
We went to pick up some shopping and I had to sit in the back with my dad’s step-son and his friend, they were just like me really. Guys. As much as I felt in the total right place, I wasn’t, because here I’m still Tasha. My dad and his fiance and the two boys were talking about a guy called Nathan. A Nathan that wasn’t me, and it hurt to hear them talk about him so loosely, even though I too share that name but they couldn’t use it to describe me. So I just stared out the window and tried not to cry, the rain felt like a reflection of how I was feeling so I just let that wash over my thoughts.
I guess my dad could tell something was wrong, because when we had a moment alone he spoke to me, and he said about how hard it was. I really do understand that, it was hard for me too at first and everyone back home. But I’ve lived as Nathan now for months, my old self is gone now, still here in me but gone as a definition. Legally and personally I am Nathan. I know my dad is trying, but his step-kids still aren’t clicking. I know that there is no blame, that it’s a difficult situation, but it was a big shock and I think it knocked my confidence a little.
I always get back up, I can’t stay knocked down. I know that’s why Tamara tries to encourage me to take a grip on the situation. I would have given anything to have her here with me, because this journey has been one for 2 all along, and I had to do this bit by myself and it was hard without her. I don’t think I give her enough credit, because she truly is my rock and I know I lean on her a lot without even realising it most of the time.
Taking the bull by the horns has never been so crucial as it is now. Tamara isn’t here and I need to be brave, and I don’t know how to do that because she’s what makes me brave.
Some part of me can do this, I just need to find that part of me.