Do you ever feel so consumed by everything you can barely function? That’s my current state of mind. I tried hard to fight it, to ignore it. Strangely enough that’s not usually my style, normally I just let everything come out, after it building up of course. But this time is different, I had to stand for what I thought was right, and I’m guessing that people who try to do the good thing don’t always get good results, hence why I’m in my current situation.
I wouldn’t say I come from a difficult background, from the outside looking in I probably have quite an easy home life, but from the inside of my brain that’s not how it feels. It never really has felt like true home. Which breaks my heart a little, because I would love to feel welcome there right now, but I’m just not.
No matter what my mum has done, it always felt like her heart was in some way in the right place. But lately, I don’t understand what her deal is. She treats me like I’m a child despite being 18 years old, she shouts so much these days, to the point where I don’t want to be around her anymore. Everything is about her when it comes down to it, she victimises herself and expects everyone to fall to their feet in apology. Not this time. I literally can’t do it anymore.
I feel lost. That is the best fitting word. I feel like I can’t go home, and I don’t want to outstay my welcome at my girlfriend’s house, not when her family have already been so kind to me. I don’t want them to think I’m taking advantage of them, I don’t want to suffocate Tamara and I feel like maybe I’m starting to. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to crumble, yesterday when my mum threw my girlfriend out and took away my key, I was indifferent. I couldn’t let myself feel because that wasn’t going to help me.
The sad part is, despite being shouted at and being made to feel small, all the walk home Tamara just kept debating whether it was her fault, she kept saying I’m sorry over and over. That was the hardest part, knowing that my mum was the one in the wrong, seeing it and then Tamara blaming herself, because she’s a good person.
I don’t understand where any of it had come from, I consider myself a good son. I’m not perfect, both me and Tamara apologised for the things we did wrong and she just wouldn’t let up. I understand times are hard for everyone. I just don’t understand how my mum could shout at her like that, when she’s just a gentle, loving person. My mum will always be my mum, I used to consider her a strong, genuine person but these days I’m not too sure. These days I’m ashamed.
The only thing for me to do is face going home, I don’t want to strain my relationship with Tamara and believe it or not, my mum has been there at times that have been difficult. To be honest, I really miss my dog. It sounds silly, but my little yorkie Jojo she distracts me from hard times and despite being incredibly spoiled she hasn’t got a bad bone in her little fluffy body.
In all good news, Southampton has offered both me and Tamara an offer for university so soon we will be living our own lives without these stresses.